Thursday, June 12, 2014

The Jerk That Resides in Each of Us

"Oh, this is your first time here!  Do you mind if I tell you a little about us?"

This is our routine with all customers:
Customer new? -----No-----> "Welcome back!"
Yes ----->"Can I tell you a little about us?"

Me: "Well, we've been here for 7 years.  We're very pleasure and education oriented, so everyone who works here is a sex educator--"

Customer: "Sex educator?  Can you teach me some rope ties to use on people?"

Me: "Oh, um... yes.  But if you're really interested in rope bondage techniques I'd recommend <walking to bookshelf> these boo--"

Customer: "Oh, if you're just going to sell me some books, forget it!  I probably have them already.  I thought you said you were a sex educator and could teach me."

Me: "Well, I can.  However, we don't have any rope here at the moment.


Me: "So, we're also the only shop in NM that exclusively sells non-toxic sex toys--"

Customer: "Yeah?  Well that's what they say up the street too!"

<Referring to our nearest competitor, a chain megastore that our customers frequently complain about>

Me: "Really? Ah... so all the toys that are made with cancer causing ingredients, we don't carry here..."

Customer: "What do you have in glass?"

Me: "Our glass section is down here."

Customer: "OmiGOD!  Those are so expensive!  I have a friend, he works with glass, so he has all this left over glass all the time.  He could make me anything I want for, like, $5."

Me: "Sounds like a great friend.  Yes, glass is a nice material."

Customer: "All this stuff is so overpriced!  I mean, look at that!  You don't think it cost that much to make it, do you?"

Me: "Well, I guess that's where the retail factor comes in."

Customer: "Yes, Doll.  But really.  These prices are ridiculous.  Oh, what's--?"

Me: "Oh, that's a head tingler.  You push it up and down on your head--"

Customer: "I know what it is! Though, that's not what I'd use it for!  I'd use it on my breasts!" <customer pushes it on and off small protrusions from her shirt> "I was asking, how much is it?"

Me: "Oh, sorry.  It's just on the packaging here..."

Customer: "Cuz it isn't marked on this thing!"

Me: "Yes, I see, but here's the price, $12.95."

Customer: "Well, really, I already have something like it at home."


Customer: "Ha!  I have to get these!  They glow in the dark!"

The customer puts a package of glow in the dark cock rings on the counter.

Me: "Are you all set?  Is this all?"

Customer: "Yeah, although I could spend a lot of time in here!"

Me: "And have you used a cock ring before?"

<Customer gives me an incredulous look>

Customer: "Ah, yeah."

Me: "Oh, okay.  I was just making sure that you didn't need me to print you our guide to cock rings.  And you have a good lube at home you can use with this?  Okay, so your total is $9.98.  Great, can I see your ID with your credit card?"

<While handing me ID>
Customer: "Oh honestly, Doll, if I was going to commit fraud don't you think I'd do it for more than 10 bucks?"

<I see that the names and picture match, John F. Dozetos.*>
Me: "Well, I just had to make sure you're over 18!"

Customer: "Oh, now your playing at flattery!" <Customer appears flattered>

Me: "Okay, here's your package.  I put a cleaning guide in there in case you need to know how to take care of your new friends.  And here's your receipt, Sir."

Customer: "Actually, it's Ma'am."

Me: "Oh, I'm SO sorry.  Ma'am, of course."

Calling her "Sir" really just slipped out, I knew it was wrong when I heard myself say it.  I was probably affected by the misogyny dripping off of her.  Tit for tat is not part of retail, especially in a store that prides itself on being trans friendly; but since I made the mistake, I figure it was only fair since she had mistaken my name for "Doll".

*Name changed, of course.

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