Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Music of Women

Q: What's the difference between someone saying something stupid, or in a way misogynistic, and saying it while staring directly at me?
A: Creep factor.

It's a social/discussion meeting of the Albuquerque Polyamory group.  What Tenpin* had to say, after social time had begun, was about his conception of women as musical instruments and how, if he could play them just right, they make beautiful music.  He stared at me, slight grin on his face, while speaking.  This was in the context of discussing his role as a Top (or maybe Dom) and women's roles as bottoms (or maybe subs).

We all just kinda stood there.  Crickets would have been heard were it not Albuquerque where they're infrequent.  It was awkward beyond belief.  What to respond to?  The presumption that women are submissive?  His construction of himself as the Master of women and the Universe?  His objectification of women as object-like?  His conception of women as instruments for him to affect?  The fact that he's said much the same thing to me, directly referencing me, in the past (a different story, creepy, but too personal to retell here)? 

In the conversation was Tenpin himself, Monkey (my partner) and J1 -a mostly gay man.  Monkey, bless his heart, tried to think about what he would say that would rephrase that sentiment in a more acceptable way.  Finding that he just wouldn't ever say anything like that, he opted to pretend he might, but rephrased it saying that he sees a bottom as a musical instrument that, when you and that person are working together, you make beautiful music together.  Or something like that.

Thanks for jumping in, Darling.

*Since this post involves people I actually know, I'm giving everyone pseudonyms.


  1. Maybe something like, "Huh. I never thought of it that way. I hope it works like that for you someday." And walk away. --yer Sis

  2. I might adress the others present, asking if anyone else found the comment as uncomfortable as I did. Then he can be the object for a bit.

  3. I used to have great luck asking someone to repeat hir stupid remark or insult or joke over and over. "Oh - I wasn't paying attention; could you say that again?" Stupid Remark or variation thereof. "I'm not sure I understand what you mean. Could you repeat that?" S.R. "Once more, please? I'm having some trouble understanding what you mean." S.R. "maybe you could phrase that differently? It doesn't make any sense to me the way you've said it." Repeat ad nauseum or until s/he goes away.