A Good Point

A good point was recently made about my post Guns, Rape and Culture in which I state: "The idea that women should own guns to stop rape, or wear covering clothing, or not wear ponytails or have long hair, or not drink or never walk alone or always park under a streetlight or any of the other ridiculous things we're told we have to do to not get raped is part of what is called "rape culture". "

It was pointed out that although it is ideal that people simply not rape other people (or anything really), the world is in the state in which it is, and protecting oneself is not in fact "bullshit" as it seemed I said it was.

This is a fair point and one that deserves discussion.  After all, it's natural that we protect ourselves from pterodactyls, raging rhinos and trans fatty acids.  All of these things will harm humans and to not protect ourselves is shortsighted.  Of course, all of those things are easy to see as harmful.  When it comes to other humans, what happens when our first reaction is fear of harm?  (Actually, I can tell you.  This happens as a result of PTSD and it's a crummy way to live.)

So, let me expand on what I actually mean is bullshit.

There are a lot of messages out there about what women and girls need to do to avoid rape (please note that I also mean sexual assault).  These messages are in advertising campaigns, parents repeat them, they're learned in school, repeated in media, etc.  I see almost no messages designed to keep people from committing rape.

It might be that I just don't see them.  I have seen one campaign about consent in which the posters show a heterosexual couple and the wording shows the male talking about how he asked when he wasn't sure, or something similar.  It's awesome.  It's the only campaign I've seen.  Period.

So, my fear is that while we might be giving accurate information on ways that people (okay, it really targets women) can protect themselves, the emphasis is almost entirely on that.  As my mother would say, "that puts the emPHAsis on the wrong sylLABle".  The emphasis ought to be on people not attacking other people.  I don't yet see that happening enough.

It is easy for people also to take ideas about advice on not getting raped and think of them as absolute.  If it's an onlooker, that person might end up blaming the victim because "the rules say you were supposed to carry an umbrella, and if you had, this wouldn't have happened".  Likewise, the person who was attacked might blame themselves for not taking every precaution.  Also, no precaution has the power to entirely stop rape from happening.  It's as if people think if they follow "the rules", they are invincible.  This is like when you thought that getting a college education would guarantee you a good job and you still ended up working in a burger joint.  (No offense meant to burger joint workers.  We need you!)

Rape, among other things, removes, in a significant and terrifying way, a person's sense of having complete control over themselves.  Have you ever found out that something you believe is completely untrue and then your world is turned upside down?  It's a little like that, only it's also like you ate a cement block with a burning fish in the middle.

Anyway, the problem with giving advice about not getting raped is that it's coercive.  That thing where rape takes away the sense of power and control in your life?  These ideas about protecting yourself do that too!  They limit freedom.  The advice not to drink, or not have long hair, or not walk alone at night or early in the morning... these aren't realistic.  I get with the idea that anyone might curtail certain behavior to protect themselves; it might be appropriate, but it is bullshit to suggest limiting the activities of women (anyone) and not the activities of rapists.

What would work better is to make the information available and then let everyone decide what kind of precautions they want to take.  It would go something like this:

"It's been happening that people have been drugging the drinks of other people, especially at parties and then raping them.  It might help if you always watch your drink being poured at a party to make sure nothing but the drink goes into it."

In what other ways is a list of precautions a useful thing or a tool of rape culture?

Guns, Rape and Culture

April is Sexual Assault Awareness month, and The Store is raising money for The Rape Crisis Center of Central New Mexico.  I've been really excited about this!  How many hours of therapy have I received at the center?  Um... maybe 300 hours?  And although I donate to them myself, I don't pay them.  Also the therapy I've received there has been on par with the highest quality therapy I've ever had (I've had a lot of therapy).  I owe a lot of fabulous changes in my Self to them.  So, fundraising for them is on my awesome-list.

I was waiting on three customers.  It looked like someone was buying someone else a first toy.  They were boisterous and giggly and disrespectful around things that suggested people might like something they did not.  I was not surprised when they didn't want to donate.  But then one of them said "the best way to stop rape is for all women to get guns... and learn how to use them."

Now, I feel like I shouldn't need to tell anyone why this is awful and creepy.  I feel like there are plenty of websites out there that tell us all about that.  And yet, this kind of attitude is still rampant.  On the off chance someone stumbles across here, or forwards this to someone who needs to know, let's take a closer look.

Thesis: women should have guns to prevent rape

This statement has two distinct parts: first, that women should own guns and second, that guns can prevent rape.  We'll address them separately.

1. This first part, that women should have guns, is problematic because it invalidates any choice a woman makes about not owning or using a gun. 
2. This statement also presupposes that either, only women can prevent rape by using a gun, or that only women get raped.  I'm assuming the second is meant, but both are just not true.  1 in 20 men are raped in New Mexico.*  While that's a lower number than the number of women, rape is awful for anyone who experiences it, so let's count men, ok?
3. Moving on to the idea that guns could prevent rape.  No.  They can't.  They might in some circumstances, but it is unrealistic to think it's a solution.  I know that the after school specials show rape as this dramatic business where some guy follows a woman through a parking garage, or jumps out from behind a bush and practically announces that he's going to rape her.  "Boo!  I'm the scary sexual assault monster!  I am going to violently invade your body.  I don't care about you, nor do I recognize that you are a legitimate human who might have as much ability to feel as I do.  Also, the last time I showered was 1982 and I have halitosis because my last meal was a huge pile of rotten sardines atop a pile of dog doo."
1. This type of stranger rape (perhaps minus the dog doo) does happen, but not very often.  Approximately 15% of rapes happen this way in New Mexico.*  Using a gun here might work.
1. The success of this would depend on the brain of the attackee behaving in a way that the fight part of the natural fight/flight/freeze response was activated.  More on that later.
2. It would also depend on space.  How far away from the attacker is this person?  Do they have time to draw a gun?  
3. It also depends on if the attacker has a gun.  People going out to do crimes often plan these things... so I've heard.  They have the upper hand in the element of surprise and in what nefarious tools they choose.
2. If 15% of rapes happen by strangers... then 85% of rapes happen by people we know (and incidentally somewhere between 10-20% are someone we're already sexually involved with).*  Is it likely that if you've known someone, you will think of having a gun ready next time they are around?  Just in case they try to rape you, where they haven't tried that in the past?
4. The power of a gun, is in its threat and its ability to harm.  In order to threaten someone, the gun should be obvious.  If someone is already on top of you, particularly from behind, it will be difficult to draw a gun, have the attacker see it and have them not try to wrestle it from you and then use it against you.  You might, at this point, use the gun to kill or disable your attacker.  That would also be very traumatic.  Just being attacked, whether the rape is carried out or not, would likely require services from someplace like... hmmmm, a rape crisis center!
5. We must take into account the body's response to trauma.  You've heard of the fight/flight/freeze response?  This is a physiological reaction.  You might think you know how you'd react.  Or you might plan how you would react.  But until you're actually in a situation, you really don't know how you'll react.  You do not have a choice about this because, as I mentioned, the reaction is physiological.  People have different physiologies and that is why we react differently.  So, if you're one of those people who does not react with "fight", that's normal.  And it's the right thing for you to do.  Whatever your reaction style is, it helps you survive.  Go you!
6. The idea that women should own guns to stop rape infers that rape victims are at fault if they don't fight back.  Did you get that?  It blames the victims!  Because of the different things our physiology might make us do, which are all normal, this is bullshit. 
7. This also places the responsibility of not getting raped on the potential victims.  This is also bullshit.
8. The idea that guns can stop rape takes all responsibility away from rapists.  Rapists make a choice to rape.  It's everyone's responsibility to control their own urges to do things that aren't okay.  If you have a tendency to cut your toenails in bed, it is not your toenail's fault that you are then uncomfortable lying in bed.  Similarly, it's not your toenail's fault that they grow to need clipping.

The idea that women should own guns to stop rape, or wear covering clothing, or not wear ponytails or have long hair, or not drink or never walk alone or always park under a streetlight or any of the other ridiculous things we're told we have to do to not get raped is part of what is called "rape culture".

Rape culture is what tells boys and men that they have to be powerful in order to be manly.  It perpetuates the normalcy of violence against women, other minorities, disenfranchised groups and reinforces rigid gender roles through media.  It tells us that it's the responsibility of someone to avoid rape rather than telling us it's our job to treat other human beings with respect and kindness.

I know a lot of people don't believe in rape culture.  I don't know what to say to them except, go listen to a class or presentation about it and then, once you have information, make another decision.  If it's a good presentation, it won't blame groups of people (nor individuals).  Fault is beside the point.  We are inured to what is right in front of us.  Meaning, we don't bother to look at things we see day in, day out.  This is how rape culture is.  It's so big and so... everywhere, we don't see it.  We're used to it. 

If you want to donate to the Rape Crisis Center of Central New Mexico (incidentally, NM and AK have the highest rates of rape in the country) this month you can go to:
Rape Crisis Donation Through Self Serve

If you're reading this after April 2013, go to:
Rape Crisis Center of Central New Mexico Donations

*The stats in this blog are from a survey done in NM in 2011 that I heard about through the Rape Crisis Center of Central New Mexico.  If you want the details about what survey and other stats, you can contact their education department.

Wallet Woes

I was working in The Store a few weeks ago, when a man approached Bonney to ask if The Store wanted to buy some books he had.  Mind, he didn't have the books with him, but he wanted to ask if he should bring them in.  She explained that we don't usually take used items (we joke with customers regarding our no-return policy, that we tried that "discount" table and it didn't go over well) but that we could still take a look.  Being that they were all BDSM books, and I'm apparently the resident BDSM expert at The Store, (and I think Bonney didn't want to deal with this guy), she sent him to me.

We found a day for him to bring in his books and then he needed to pick up tickets for the Southwest Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. 

"Okay" I said, "I just need to see some ID".

"Oh" said he, "Um, it's really hard for me to get my wallet".

"Well, take your time" I offered.

He started pulling at his back pocket, struggling with some unseen issue.  I busied myself with nothing in particular. 

His pulling and struggling became more and more dramatic.  He was practically hopping up and down when he bunnied his way around the table and backed up to me asking if I could just help him get his wallet.

"No, Sir.  I don't think I can".

"Please?  Could you just, unstick it for me?"

"Sir I don't want to touch your behind".

To be fair to him, he was wearing something on his belt that sat above half his back pocket, and sure, his pants (Dickies?) looked a little tight in the gluteal region.  I still don't see why he couldn't stick his whole hand down behind the wallet to smooth out any catches and just pull it out. 

He did finally liberate his wallet. 

He never came back with those books, though.  I wonder if he realized what a creep he was being.

With No Love, From Me

I was Stumbling around the internet, which I do whenever I'm bored or stressed out.  I have humour listed as one of my interests; and so it brought me to a picture of someone's facebook post, and it was entitled "This kid knows what the fuck is up."

The post itself explained that a young man was accused of judging girls on what they look like and what they wear as opposed to personality.  He countered that he'd start judging girls on personality when they stopped "caking on the makeup and wearing low cut shirts".

Well, you know I just had to say something about this.  First I "disliked" the page.  But that wasn't enough.  I made a comment, trying hard to make it palatable.  This goal of mine (to make things palatable) is probably the one attribute I have that frustrates me the most.  Why?  Because this is what I wanted to say:

"You stupid asshole.  Whether or not you treat women in a polite or respectful manner is not dependent on what her body looks like or how she presents it.  Period.  If you saw a woman with 36-25-34 measurements running down the street naked screaming crazily at you and wielding a chainsaw, would you primarily stare at her breasts?  Get a boner?  Say to her "hey, you look fine" and then use one of those terrible pick up lines about her looking good in your bed?  Would you be more likely to say, run the other direction?  Call for help?  Get scared?

You are not a slave to your hormones or your peebrained, culturally endowed attitudes.  Grow yourself some decent values and use those like cojones.  I blame attitudes like yours for the assault and battery and rape culture we live in.  I hope you sit on the small end of an orange highway cone with a beehive inside."

Here's what I really wrote.  If there are more than one comment, look for mine labeled Kathryn 12/10/02.

Pushing It

A tip to those begging money: don't scare me.

Woe is yard work.  Especially, work that involves anything sticky, pricky, sharp or dangerous.  This is the sort of work that I'm already in a bad mood to do before I even begin.  And this is where I was when I saw him.

He was passing on the sidewalk, at first talking with someone.  They split directions at the corner and he continued.  On the sidewalk, he changed his trajectory like a billiards ball hit obliquely by the queue ball to walk across my yard on an intercept path.  When this happens, "on edge" is what you'd use to describe me.  I braced myself.

The man stood too close for comfort.  With alcohol enhanced breath, he was in my space and it was doing a number on my nervous system.  Electric fear pulsed through my body, which was caught in a power struggle with some reptilian part of my brain in the fight, flight or freeze response.

He asked for money.

He asked for a cigarette.

He asked if there was anyone in the house that smoked.

He asked to talk to them.

I just wanted him away from me, away from my home so I could breathe again.  I was telling him whatever seemed the most sure way to get rid of him, except... I couldn't bring myself to lie.

I refused him money.  I told him I don't smoke.  I told him that my "husband" smokes; and when he asked to talk to him, I told the man that he wasn't home.  He was persistent.  He wanted something; it seemed like anything would have done.  Suddenly, he decided he should leave in case my husband got home and witnessed him with me.

What?  What he was doing was unacceptable in the eyes of another man, but not for me alone?  Is this some weird, man-owns-"wife" paradigm?

This is arguably the crux of why women walking alone get harassed and women walking with men, on the whole, do not (get harassed by other men).  It seems that men find other men a challenge, some thing not to mess with, particularly when ascribing them ownership of the women they're with; whereas women alone are "fair game".

This mindset apparently has nothing to do with the concept that a woman might want or not want something and that that is important.  Crucial, in fact.  This is the mindset where women are things primarily, to be considered in relation to men, not independently.

Men (and sometimes women) seek and, all too often, push to receive.  Pushing: you are more likely to get what you want.  You are also more likely to get what you want from un- or less than willing parties who are often left feeling angry or scared or violated.  If this doesn't matter to you, there's a problem.

Links

I've read a few great posts that fit right in here in the past week.  Here are two of them.  I'll add more as I come across them.

Two letters about people being creepy answered in very clear and excellent ways.

Captain Awkward talks to people who have been called creepy and explains.

A basic guide to how not to be creepy. It is basic, but if people don't get this much, damn skippy, they'd better read it.

Trigger warning:
This article is about Not Rape: those things we aren't taught to think of as rape and therefore don't figure out that they are not okay

A response to Captain Awkward's responses on the post about creeping. It's fun and a little tough to follow.

Ideas on how to end rape.

A letter from a woman to a man who offended her at the subway.

A great add that tries to show men how staring at women is creepy.

Fanart about power and privilege

Pride and Consent

It's Gay Pride!  A time to be all colors, come out (no pun intended) to be who you really are sans shame, remorse, regret.  People show their fabulosity to the extreme, bringing out their best self, and talk about love as an encompassing, open to all concept!

I idealize Gay Pride.  Truly, there's more of the American cultural norm at Pride than I'd like to admit.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's Friday, and I'm at work.  Bonney* and I are talking about working the store's booth at the Pride Festival and appropriate dress for the occasion.  I relate that I had this conversation with Bear* and we'd agreed that wearing a rainbow bikini top would be appropriate, except I don't have one.  Bonney responds "Oh, well if you wanted to wear those rainbow pasties at Pride, the store could comp them to you."  Sweet.


Now it's the morning of Pride, and I'm trying to get my fabulous on.  I've read the directions on the back of the pasties package, applied them thusly, donned my short shorts with my silver belt and I'm just working on my eye make-up.

There's a knock on the door.  I've been waiting for my friend to arrive; and although I'm surprised she's knocking, I go and answer the door.

...Pasties at the ready, I'm certain the Jehovah's Witnesses at the door did not expect what they got from me!  I didn't expect them either.


Working at Pride Festival was an experience in staying on track.  I didn't expect the sort of attention my nearly-bare breasts attracted.  I suppose that's silly, but I'm used to and comfortable being undressed.  It barely occurs to me that it's different for others to witness.

When the first person asked if he could take my picture, I was surprised.  Why me?  It took me a moment to realize that what I was doing, is part of what people come to Pride to see and experience.  I was fine with that picture; and the picture after that too.  But after a while, I started feeling put out.

I was busy and kept getting interrupted.  I noticed myself, not looking into the camera while a picture was taken.  I was keeping an eye on my next move, our wares, our customers, and trying to be polite and efficient with those wanting photos.  When I went on break, I was concerned that I wouldn't make it to the HIV testing tent (where I have my yearly test) because of the photograph requests.  (Happily I made it, was the very last test of the day, and met someone I hope will contribute to this blog.)

The attention I received that day came in three main categories: people who wanted a picture, people who wanted to tell me something because of what I wasn't wearing, and people who hit on me.  Several people wanted to commend my bravery, which was really in their own heads because you kinda' need to be afraid of something if you're going to be brave doing it.  One woman came on quite strong talking about how I am way too pretty to not have a girlfriend (she was assuming I don't).  I appreciated her directness and also wasn't interested.  One guy was clearly attracted to me but lacked social skills to be appropriate.  He hung around, and returned over and over, bending over the table running hands over his head and staring at me.  Despite some of these sorts of exceptions, most of the attention was positive to neutral.

Two exceptions stand out.  The first was being censored by a police officer.  I don't actually know what the law here says about dress.  I had assumed that wearing something to cover the nipples for women was street legal.  I didn't argue with the officer, I asked if I was mistaken about the law.  She didn't say, which suggests she doesn't know the law either, she only said it was a "family event" so I needed to cover up.  So, maybe the law is different when there might be minors in attendance?  I pointed out to her that those kids are going to have breasts someday too (at least half of them).  She wasn't impressed.

I was pissed.  I wasn't being inappropriate with kids; I wasn't jiggling my breasts in any faces -kids or otherwise.  Kids should get to know what bodies look like in non-sexual ways.  And many of these kids used breasts as a food dispenser early on.

I felt she was telling me that there was something inherently wrong with or shameful about my body.  That they shouldn't be seen, because they're offensive.  And this is a tough call because there are plenty of times I don't want to see someone's body.  I don't want to see the body of someone I don't know when there's any air of sexual request.  And also sometimes when I do know them.  That kind of situation happens often, and it's also really hard to legislate because it's about the energy of intent.

I can say that I didn't have that energy of request at Pride, but did people read it anyway?  Did the people who saw me that day, consent to seeing as much of me as they did?  Is it likely enough at Pride that one will see those sorts of body parts, to assume everyone knows that -and thus by coming out, they have given informed consent?

The other experience of note was when several women stopped by wanting a picture with me.  They didn't want to take my picture inside the booth where I was trying to work.  So, I stepped out hoping they'd be quick.  One of them asked me if she could touch my breast.  I was impressed, being as how a woman earlier had assumed she could grab me and surprised the crap out of me doing so.

I said no to this woman.  She pouted but contented herself with putting her hand below my breast in an imitation of touch.  The other woman who wanted to be in that picture, was disgusted.  She huffed and sputtered and whirled around to her picture taking friend and I heard something about how touch was naturally being offered because my breasts were visible.  A picture was taken.  I stepped behind the booth again.  The friend of the aggrieved woman ran back and shouted at me "Your titties are saggy!!!"

She wasn't trying to be funny; she was upset and trying to hurt me.  I fail to understand how someone can be so upset that they don't get to touch my breasts when the extent of our relationship has been seeing me and asking "hey, can we take a picture of you?"

Lack of understanding around consent and individual rights to one's own body is disturbing.  Seeing that lack of understanding in women, disturbs me especially. There's a certain assumption that women will understand this issue, and it is proven to me time and again, that this isn't true.  The messages she's swallowed about behavior and power make her dangerous to herself and others.  And particularly, she's probably not a friend or mother or daughter someone could go to when assaulted and get support.  This is someone who thinks that what you wear matters, that it dictates the choices of other people who are apparently brainless automatons incapable of self awareness.  Here's a nice, concise way someone else put this issue:
http://survivingtheworld.net/Lesson1238.html

Consent is a bigger issue than most of us like to think about.  It's not about rape and sexual assault, that's where you see it addressed most.  Consent is everyday.  And it takes a beating in so many ways so often, we're inured to it.

How about the online form for opening a bank account that required your phone number and then told you that, when you gave it, you're consenting to have them call you or text you whenever they want regardless of cost to you?  That's called coercion, and it goes hand in hand with consent violations.  What about the exuberant dog someone was walking while you took your morning constitutional, and they allowed it to jump on you and drool excessively?

We don't dicker on these things.  We're not personally offended, or we don't know how to make a complaint, or the violation or threat thereof is minor.  But if we take the time to think on it, could we make boundaries easier for others and ourselves?

What about those Jehovah's Witnesses?  Did they consent to seeing that much of me?  It's the dream of many to do something funny, ironic or rude to those who bother us at our homes.  And this is often justified by pointing out that "they started it!"  For instance, one might say that I didn't consent to have them proselytize me.  And therefore, my possibly shocking appearance to them is justified.  Tit for tat (until the whole world is blind), to mix quotations.

I don't mean to lessen the seriousness of consent violations with examples that ring less personal.  But by becoming aware every day of small ways we feel uncomfortable with being pushed, forced, coerced and bullied, we more easily identify the feelings associated with consent violations.  It scares me that violence between people is so veiled.  In a recent study in Britain, of girls 13-18, more than half of them have experienced sexual violence at the hands of a partner and thought it was normal!  I think the scope of this study was too small to make generalizations.  However, this seriously rings true for me in my life and of women I have known.

Let's be clear, violence between people is a problem, seeing it as normal is a problem, and not understanding basic tenets of consent is a problem.  Let's do our homework and become aware, if not for your sake, then for someone you love.


* Names changed as usual